If any of you out there were (like me) crazy fans of Fire Joe Morgan, the web’s premiere site for stinging criticism of bad sports (mostly baseball) journalism (since retired), you’ll be tickled to know that the FJM boys have gotten back together for a reunion on Deadspin. I didn’t realize how much I missed them so until I read the first post, where Junior rails (yet again) against some fool talking about how much he loves “scrappy” players. To whit:
“I love seeing players who maybe weren’t given the best physical attributes and natural talent (hey we weren’t all born with Mauer’s swing) who make the roster due to their sheer guts, determination, and effort.”
So if I’m hearing you correctly, you’re actually saying: “I am writing an article about players who are bad. They are bad. Joe Mauer has no place on this list because he is good. Here are some bad players. Enjoy.”
“No. 10 - Eric Byrnes, Diamondbacks
Byrnes can be found diving all around Chase Field, making spectacular plays. He’s fearless in the outfield, runs whenever he can, and slides hard every time there’s a close play.”
Here’s another thing about Eric Byrnes: he’s f*cking awful at baseball. Take a look at this slash line: .210/.258/.346. Those are not typos. Eric Byrnes is scrapping it to the tune of a .604 OPS. And he’s not even 3’2” in height and 14.6 avoirdupois ounces in weight like David St. Scrapulous Eckstein. Nope. 6’2”, 215, and absolutely zero recognition of the strike zone.
I found this on Eric Byrnes’ Wikipedia page. This is not a joke. “He is also known for sliding headfirst into bases when there is no play.” If Eric Byrnes were a cop, it would say this on his Wikipedia page: “He is also known for discharging his weapon willy-nilly into seafood restaurants and school buses when there is no crime occurring.”
They’ll be taking lazy sportswriters out behind the shed and nailing them with VORP-based zingers all day. And it will be glorious.
